Chimpanzees are just like you and me except that they are much stronger, much meaner, more violent, and much more terrifying. Also they have fangs and absolutely no limits. There is a nice bit in an episode of Planet Earth, for instance, showing an adult chimp cheerfully eating the hand of a chimp infant in the aftermath of a raid.
If you value your peace of mind, do not read the incredibly horrific story in Wednesday's NY Times about the chimp in Connecticut that was shot and killed after attacking someone last year. You might think: Oh, I've heard that story. The woman was on Oprah! The headline doesn't sound like the story dwells on anything too disturbing. "After Shooting Chimp, a Police Officer’s Descent." It's about the cop, not the mauling! Well, you would be wrong. So wrong that I am not even going to link to the story, for your protection.
Instead, you can read a conversation that I had about making that mistake.
Finn: I mean, I read the original stories last year.
Me: Yes.
Finn: This one was way more graphic! And I even knew how graphic it had to be given the context...
Me: Steve was all, "I basically know what happened, is reading the story going to be that bad?"
Finn: ...and how fucking nasty chimps are.
Me: And I was like OH YES AND WORSE.
Finn: Right, exactly. YES.
Me: Chimps are the worst.
Finn: I was all: I know that chimps are the worst.
Me: Yep.
Finn: I know what happened to that woman. I can do this. And then it was so much worse.
Me: So much worse. That poor cop, man.
Finn: Holy shit. I know. He sounds like such a genial small town cop. He was getting tea! When he got the call!
Me: And then he fell into a horrible horrible nightmare. I have certainly renewed my resolve never to set foot anywhere near a fucking chimp. Macaque, fine. Gorilla, also fine, because while they are obviously able to destroy you, they are not psychopaths. Chimps: so bad. I also liked the touch about how Morgan Fairchild said it was a tragedy.
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See? And now you don't need to read the article yourself. To hell with turtles; I want a chimp fence.
Luckily, I've still held the line on not reading the story. Hopefully my resolve will hold out long enough, until I get distracted by something else shiny and forget about the totally horrible story I'm not supposed to read.
Posted by: Drew | 02/26/2010 at 09:29 AM
I want to read this article. Please. Shock me.
Posted by: Matt Jacobs | 02/26/2010 at 11:14 AM
What about bonobos?
Posted by: Anil Dash | 02/27/2010 at 10:36 PM
Bonobos have a significantly more pleasant, less psycho disposition. If (for example) it is the end of the world and you have to choose a non-human ape to curl up with, definitely pick the bonobo.
Posted by: redfox | 02/28/2010 at 12:58 AM
Just imagine the rampage this chimp could go on: http://www.montrealgazette.com/travel/Boozy+chimp+sent+rehab+Russia/2616639/story.html
Only in Russia, methinks.
Posted by: Drew | 03/01/2010 at 10:05 AM