The downside of this "Things I Cried Over" sidebar is that it tempts us to exaggerate. As I have amply demonstrated in the past, I am a giant simp. As a result, any number of ridiculous things can easily engage my sentiment. Sadly, it's not always the most satisfyingly absurd ones that actually rise to the level of making me weep.
Last night conversation turned to prodigious pitchman Billy Mays. We looked up the list of products he'd shilled, from the Awesome Auger to Zorbeez.
"Zorbeez! They're a chamois cloth."
"Ah, like ShamWow."
"Like ShamWow but not as good. Wikipedia says 'It has often been tested with mixed results.' and 'Popular Mechanics compared the absorbency of two towel products and declared ShamWow! the more effective of the two.'"
"Oh no! That's so sad," said tenderhearted me. "To have the whole point of your existence be how absorbent you are -- how ZORBEE -- and then to fail."
"Are you crying?"
"You are!" Steve inspected me closely. "Your eyes are shiny! That's a tear for sure!"
"I'm sorry. It would make a better story if I cried over Zorbees, I know, but it's just not happening."
Here are a few more things I didn't actually quite cry over:
- Failing to get the baby into her sling.
- "Chicken Soup with Rice," the song.
- "I'm so thirsty."