The Red and the Black.

Once upon a time, I was truly broke, and also profoundly stupid about it. Because I could not afford to pay them, I hid my credit card statements under the futon. This was a brilliant scheme, in no way doomed to collapse like the proverbial house of cards. Indeed, it wasn't really so much a house of cards as it was a pre-collapsed messy pile of cards, lightly shredded so as to provide an ideal home for rats to come nest inside. Possibly literally.

That was all a long time ago, and I like to think I am much more responsible, though really it's mostly that I make more money now. But since our move, I have been gazing upon my dwindling bank balance with shame and horror.

I was absolutely hemorrhaging money. Yes, moving and appliances are expensive, and baby things, too. I knew that our rent had gone up and that I was being wildly free with such luxuries as expensive cheese and interlibrary loan. But really, it was appalling that I was apparently so utterly incapable of staying in the black; so out of control with my purchases of onesies, ginger beer, and organic sunblock; such a complete failure at living within my means.

I fretted, I cringed, I berated myself as an irresponsible fool. I considered getting myself some new lipstick, as I had used up my previous tube. But then I reconsidered. "You cannot afford treats like lipstick! You don't deserve treats like lipstick! If you buy that lipstick, you will not be able to feed and clothe your own child!"

Then, at last, I realized THAT NONE OF MY PAY CHECKS HAVE ACTUALLY GONE INTO MY ACCOUNT. None! For months. Thousands of dollars simply never arrived.

So:

(a) I'm an incredible simpleton who should not be let out of the house, and

(b) This is going to be hellish to resolve, probably, because the university system does believe that it has deposited them, and seems to have had the correct information for my bank and account numbers, but

(c) Thank fucking god.

"I do not deserve nice things!" Possibly.

"I cannot manage my money!" Evidently.

"I will never be able to retire!" Well, no, not if you never get paid even when you have a paying job, you moron. You are an idiot! An idiot... who can afford lipstick. Hooray.

Comments

[Lumpy Badger]

I am similarly incapable of managing my money, and just cannot bring myself to examine my account balance - the financial equivalent of putting my fingers in my ears and going la la la. Glad you're not as impoverished as you thought you were, hurrah!

[anapestic]

All things considered, it's better to be incompetent in your financial life rather than in your personal or professional life.

[Parenthetical]

Holy crap.

Wow. I'm amazed that you were able to stay that financially solvent without getting paid!

(Also, mm, ginger beer.)

[redfox]

Yes, much better to discover that one is owed more money than one thinks, rather than the converse. But lord, what an ass I am!